Thanksgiving

I was pretty proud of myself.  This Thanksgiving is the first since Amanda died that I did not cry.  I did tear up once, but I did not cry.  I cooked. We ate.  I kept a candle lit for her all day.  Michael went to Sara's parents' in Wilmington and they fixed a fully vegetarian Thanksgiving spread.  He said he envied our meat LOL but that everything turned out great!

For the first time in my life, I made cornbread stuffing from scratch (okay, minus the box mix I used for the actual cornbread).  It was excellent!!!  I usually skip the stuffing any time it's served, but I was really curious.  I had found the recipe on Pinterest and it sounded easy enough.  I added dried cranberries to it, lessened the amount of onion for Tim's sake, increased the celery.  It was so flipping good!  Since I'd used Jiffy brand cornbread mix, it had a sweetness to it that Dad didn't care for, but Tim said it was the best stuffing he'd ever had. Woot!  I know it was the best I'd ever had.  I sent over some of everything to Jack and Sheila.  Tim said Jack was excited because I'd made "pink stuff."  Tony even texted me the day before for the recipe for pink stuff.  That was Grandma Cox's thing she used to make so I've continued the tradition.

We received our things back from Pickles & Pottery.  They turned out so good!  Tim's was the Holy family and mine was an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  That got me in the mood to decorate and for the first time since Amanda died that I actually wanted to engage in all aspects of Christmas.  Thanksgiving day I had Tim put the tree together (not decorated, just up) while I cooked.  After lunch (and a nap) we decorated the tree and I did the house inside.  When I'd been cleaning out Dad's broken storage shed, I'd run across some ornaments/wreath that were keepers so yesterday Tim and I went out to the good shed and brought those out.  We decorated the outside of the house for the first time since living here.  It's cute.  The other night we went to Elements and painted a cute Christmas tree in a blizzard.  Those are hanging as well as the other Christmas pictures we've painted there.  I did get a little weepy when we were decorating the tree.  Sometimes it's just so hard thinking about her not being here, about our family not being all together.  I feel like whether we go home for holidays or stay here, I'm always letting someone down and I hate that.  Anyway, that is all :-)

Random musings

I don't know what to write, just that I feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out.  The holidays are approaching again.  I feel the ever-present ache all the more as they approach.  I need to figure out if I will be fixing for Jack and Sheila, too, or if they have other plans. 

Tim had to go to Ada today for a pastor's thing so I got to sleep in.  I did some chores and then went to Jack and Sheila's to pick up some things to take to Goodwill for them.  I headed to Walmart after that and it was kinda nice just to wander the store, except for the reminders of Christmas everywhere.  I found a really cute owl ornament that I considered buying but put it back.  I'll probably go back and get it one day soon.  I was musing about how many owl ornaments we needed and that one day, we'd probably have a whole Christmas tree with nothing but owl ornaments.  I was looking, though, for a red bow and a red lightbulb to add to a little wooden deer that I found out in Dad's storage.  I stained him a few weeks ago and thought he could be cute with some added bling.  I found some cute rustic looking red bows (we'll use the rest for the tree) and some mini-light ornaments.  Again, I will use the rest for the tree.  I came home and superglued the bow and lightbulb and he's really cute.  I'm going to fill the box part of him with the scented pinecones.  He may be kinda hokey, but I liked him.  He kinda reminded me of me, in need of some TLC but overall good bones.

The holidays are still hard.  Not excruciating like they used to be, but they are definitely hard.  There's the reminder of the empty chair, the wonder of what she'd be like, what she'd want for Christmas, and always, always missing her so very much. 

We are facilitating GriefShare (almost done).  Soon we'll be having the Surviving the Holidays class.  It will be a good refresher for me.  I've just been feeling the sadness more in the last few days.  Tim got me out of the house yesterday and we went to paint at Pickles & Pottery in Sherman.  It was very relaxing and much needed.  Tim did a nativity scene with Mary, Joseph and Jesus and I did an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  I'm always trying to find ways to incorporate her into our life now.  It's not the same, but it makes me feel a tad better.  I really, really miss her.

I am looking forward to going home.  Mike is doing great in school and will graduate in the spring.  We'll go home for that, too, of course.  We'll be staying at a room we rented for a few days and then staying at Michael's the rest of the time.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.  It's been too long for this momma.  Tim and I have often talked about when/if we get to move back.  We're not really sure if we'll move back to the same area.  Somewhere in the vicinity of Michael, but not necessarily Greenville or even Winterville.  I just want to be able to see him frequently, be near to him where ever he is.

I am concerned about something, though.  My dad told me the other day that when he had X-Rays done at the VA that they saw a spot on his liver.  They're sending him back to Dr. Sturch (whom he sees Wednesday) to hopefully get a CT scan to figure out what it is.  That fills me with trepidation.  I'm praying it's nothing or at most fatty liver.