Dark places

Last time I wrote, I think I indicated that I need some help. That is very true.  The fact of the matter is I feel hopeless and rather pointless.  Hopeless in that I feel stuck and see no viable option for me.  We are here to help dad, and dad is here in the sticks. Being in the sticks for me is entirely too isolating and it's not good for my bipolar (Amanda and I definitely had that in common).  I can't move and Dad won't move, so....I've been in a very, very dark place contemplating pills, think about drinking way too much, and just suicide in general.  I feel pointless in that I feel like dad and I don't really relate. We don't talk. I feel like I can't really share what's on my heart and mind because (A) It would likely hurt his feelings, (B), I feel tremendous guilt for feeling how I do, (C) he never talks about Amanda, and (D) I feel like he doesn't really care if I am here or not, but Tim, being a man, is another story.  I feel like a hindrance to Tim. I feel like just a wallet to Michael, which I know is not true, but in general, it just feels like if I were to die, it really wouldn't leave a ripple.

I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone.  I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff.  Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim.  My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules. 

Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are.  There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid.  It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ??  I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier.  I feel so crappy.  Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough.  I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings.  I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.  I have no drive about anything.  All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention.  At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that.  The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't?  I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her.  She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.

Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already.  I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday.  I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way.  Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.

I hate this depression

I feel like a broken record and a total whiner, but I can't shake this depression.

We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4.  It was sooooo good!!!  Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change.  We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him.  As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back.  We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock.  It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted.  I miss that so very much.  It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing. 

Then I come back here.  I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much.  I feel so guilty.  I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad.  I don't like going to our church here.  I get nothing out of it.  I don't fit in anywhere.  I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone.  I don't feel a purpose in my life.  I think too often about drinking and/or suicide.  I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....

I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada.  There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight.  I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to.  No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for.  I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer?  I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy?  And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me.  I feel so alone.

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Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.

... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp