In March we went home to NC for 8 days. It was great to see Michael, Sara, family and very few friends. We stayed again at Trudy's, went to Covenant and also to John and Linda's church. My main focus is always to spend as much time with Michael as possible. He still had work and school going on, as well as he and Sara's first anniversary. They went to Wine and Design (I think it's called) and had a great time. It always makes me a little sad that 99% of the people we considered friends there don't take 5 seconds to call or see us. Not that we purposed to really develop our friendships with others when we lived there, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. We know everyone's busy, but still it would be nice to feel like people gave two poops that we came home for a visit.
We did get to see Tim's friend, Brent Williams, who used to be Tim's roommate in college. We saw Brian Taylor and Will at Evolve. We did a Bible study with Trudy at her home with several others. We got to see Zoe and Alice Gray for coffee and after hearing a specific need for Alice, two days later we stopped by her work to gift her with something. It's what we are called to do, be the hands and feet of Christ, to meet needs when we can, to be the church.
One of the best days was when we had Michael all to ourselves. Most of the time we saw Mike, he was with Sara, which was perfectly fine; it was just nice to get him alone one day. We went pier fishing at Atlantic Beach. It was a first for all of us. It was a lot of fun. We caught about 16 skates (stingray?), 1 baby sand shark, and 2 crabs, but 0 fish lol. Either way, we enjoyed ourselves. Afterwards we went to eat at The Crab's Claw restaurant that overlooked the water. That was probably the most expensive meal we've eaten in a long time, but just to have that time with Mike and make memories, it was totally 100% worth it.
I'm so proud of Michael, of the decisions he's making, of how well he's doing in school, his focus, his dedication and drive. He and Sara are in a really good place and are actually moving in together very soon....sooner than they were planning on, but Mike's roommate, John Huffman, is not doing well (alcohol), lost his job and is moving back in with his parents, hopefully to get some help. So, with that happening by the end of April, Mike and Sara are moving in together sooner than anticipated.
It was great to go home, but honestly, even if the planets aligned perfectly for us to move back to Greenville/Winterville, I don't know that I would...I mean, I want to be close to Mike, so where ever he is, I want to be in close proximity, but with less and less people interested in even seeing us when we go back, it makes it less attractive. We might even consider moving to New Bern..but really, it's kind of moot to think about it, considering. Still, I cried when leaving because I never want to leave there to come back here. It's like two separate worlds.
Fast forward...I've been having doubts about doing the book. We went to a "Chili Cook-off" in Bullard, Texas, that was supposedly going to be this big shindig...HA! What a waste of time! I sold two books and the chili contestants ran out of chili by 1 o'clock and it was supposed to run until 4. We packed up and came home early. I've told God that whatever He wants to do with it, I will do. It's His deal. If he closes the door, that's fine. If he opens another one, that's fine. If He continues the course, that's fine. Nevertheless, I've been a bit down about it all.
Last night I dreamt about Amanda. She was approximately 6-7 and was with a group of girls in I guess a dance competition. I was standing on the sidelines watching, about 4 rows back. Afterwards, everyone was hugging all of the dancers congratulating them, etc., but Amanda kept her eyes on me and intently made her way back to me. We hugged for the longest time and it felt so, so good just to hold my baby girl again. I never wanted to let her go. Unfortunately, my stupid dog woke me up and try as I may, I could not go back into that dream. I was so upset. All I wanted to do was hold her some more and never let her go. It is truly a gift when she visits me in my dreams and I get to hold her. Afterwards, though, it's so hard. There's such a deep longing. An ache that can't be quenched...at least in this life. I miss my baby girl so much. Things weren't perfect when she was here. We were both stubborn and both hurt, walls were up and we had tempers and would sometimes hit below the belt with our words. We had this pattern of hurt on both sides so oftentimes just anticipated the worst from the other towards each other. We would oftentimes react defensively instead of seeking to understand and look to the heart of what the other meant versus what they said/did. I have so many regrets, but I know that she loved me and I loved her...I LOVE her (present tense).
The rest of today I've just been on the verge of tears, sometimes actively crying. I just miss her. I'm thankful for the times she comes to visit me in my dreams because even if I just get to hold her for a minute, I still get to hold her, and even though my heart aches in ways most people thankfully will never understand, at least I had some time with her. She was here.
I've been watching a show lately called Long Lost Family. It's about adoptees searching for birth families and vice versa. It really hit home with the first episode. I really couldn't tell you the story, but it made me think about Amanda anyway, how I was initially going to give her up for adoption, how she went home for a day and a half with her adoptive parents/brother and I got her back. I have never regretted getting her back. I wanted her. I love her. Still, with the way things turned out, it makes me wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe she would've had a better life if I'd let her go. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten involved with the same type of folks as she did. Maybe she could've gotten the best help for her bipolar, if she'd even struggled with it...after all I still wonder if maybe all of her issues, her depression, her feelings of abandonment, etc., were from her discovering she was going to be adopted in the first place...was ALL of this my fault? I just don't know, and I never will know. I do know that I loved my daughter with every fiber of my being. I wanted the best for her and would've done everything in my power to help her. My baby girl...forever.
