Going crazy.

I am terribly, terribly depressed. I can't seem to shake it. Nothing has really changed so I don't understand it. My surgery went great. The mass was benign. They took both ovaries and said I had endometriosis, which they burned whatever spots of that, that there were. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to work. I am not satisfied in anything. I'm bored all the time. I cry easily. Maybe it's from the ovaries being removed.

However, I've noticed that this 2nd year of having lost Amanda has been harder in some ways than the first. In the first year I was in shock, which is a nice buffer. I was scrambling and scraping to hold onto any sense of normalcy so I didn't totally lose it. I still hold to my faith...I can't and don't want to imagine my life without it. But now, it's like my heart is catching up with what my head has known, and the finality of it all is smothering. It's not like I think about it all day every day or anything like that. I miss her. I love her. I always will. But it's like it's colored over EVERYTHING.

I know part of my discontent in my mood is our living here in the sticks. It's so isolating. And yet, I don't want to leave Dad alone so we can have an apartment in town. Living with Dad isn't difficult, personality wise. He's funny. He's easy to get along with. Yes, there's too much junk, but...  I just have mixed emotions about it. I miss so much having our own space. Being able to do things that weren't dependent on flipping schedules and nurses and all of that. Being able to schedule things when I need/want them done and not based on bowling schedules and Indian lunches. As I type it I realize how petty I am. I do realize how precious this time is with my dad, and it is. I get this opportunity that many don't and many wouldn't want for the inconvenience. I'm just saying it's not easy and it does come with sacrifices.

I don't want to work at the Wesley anymore. I don't want to type anymore. I really don't seem to want to do much of anything anymore. I feel like my life is one of those flip books that if you flip the pages really fast an image seems to come to life. Well mine would look the same day after day after day, week after week. I'm so freaking bored with my life. All I do is work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There is really nothing TO do in this whole freaking area. Tim's constantly busy. Right now and the last couple of weeks he's been busting his tail to build dad a sunroom. He's doing such a great job and he's working so hard. I'm proud of all that he is able to accomplish. And I know, in part, he's doing it so we can get me an elliptical and have a place to put it. I do want to exercise and know I need it. I know that would probably help with my mood.

I have no real social interaction. I have "friends," but no one I feel I can call up and do anything with. And then again, what's there to "do"??  Then I'm also conflicted as when Tim has time to spend with me, I want to spend it with him.  We ARE getting away to Oklahoma City this coming weekend (July 4th weekend), but again, it's for his part-time pastor's thing. Sigh. At least it's out of here, but still.  I don't like feeling so isolated. I feel very, very alone.  I did reach out to my old group, GriefShare, but they're not doing any meetings in the summer. I brought home some of the books I'd bought right after Amanda died, so I've started reading one, I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-bye. It's about dealing with sudden loss. It's validating to read things that mirror my own feelings/experiences/thoughts. I'm truly wading through unchartered waters and the only one who can tell me where to go and how to get there is me and God. From what I understand from my friend, Stacey, this second year being harder is a normal occurrence. Maybe I'm not losing my mind.