Mourning

Please don't take it personally

When I retreat into my shell

My heart is crushed and soul so tired

Walking through this hell

 

My baby left three months ago

While those responsible are still free

And I'm left struggling to still go on..

Trying to find what's left of me.

 

You have grown tired of my grieving

Of the sadness that runs deeper still

You don't understand my sorrow

And I pray you never will.

 

While I fully know and can rejoice

That she is in a better place

Here and now I just want to hold her

And look upon her sweet face.

 

God, only you know the reasons why

In you alone I place my trust

Just walk with me, help me find peace

Til ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Plateaus and Valleys

So...I don't really know what to write today, only that I feel like I need to. Such a whirlwind of emotions, as usual. My visit with Stacey was so good and so needed. It felt healing to my soul, just a tiny bit, to have someone else who understood, who understood my need to watch Amanda's service with her on the DVD and the difficulty in doing so. I'm still so raw but so often I am wearing a mask. I don't even know if it's for my benefit or for others', just that I have it on. But with her being here, I could take it off with another person who knew and loved me and understood my pain. I hope we get to see each other again and not have it be 20 years in between.

After we took Stacey back to the airport, we headed to the other airport for our flight out to NC. I was half excited, half guilt-ridden as I knew leaving Daddy to handle Ann on his own was not going to be fun, but I knew he could handle it. Still, I was adding stress on his plate when he's already so stressed with few outlets.

The flights out were uneventful except for getting into Charlotte's airport where we were let off (late) in terminal A and had to be in terminal E for our next flight. We had to walk so fast and try to manage the crowds across the expanse of the airport. Not fun. We got there just as they were starting to board for our flight, so that was good. 

We got into Greenville around 6'ish I think. Barbara Lingle and her daughter, Kaylee, picked us up. We borrowed one of their vehicles for the week and again stayed with Trudy Halstead at her house. We first went to Mike's work to see him and let him know we were in town. It was an excellent trip home. I'm happier there. Part of me thinks it should be harder there as there are so many memories of Amanda there, but that's where she wanted to be, so I felt she would be happy we were there, and felt she was with us in a sense. We saw lots of friends and family as well as my coworkers from Physicians East and Doctors Blackmon and Kilpatrick. Hopefully we can go back in July, but between paying to get our car out from the airport, all of the food, the souvenirs (ECU stuff), movies, and paying to board the cats, in addition to gas for the car we borrowed and the airfare...it gets a bit pricey, even with the freebies we got by the grace of our church family.

Since we've come home, a few people have made the comment that they were surprised that we came back (to OK). I can't say that the thought of staying in NC didn't cross my mind, a lot, but, it also makes me wonder about the type of people they think we are. I mean, we have our jobs here; I made a promise to my dad and intend to keep it; we have no jobs there to go back to, and we are just not the type of people to up and walk away from our responsibilities, no matter how tempting it may seem. That's just not who we are.

Dad, I can tell, really needs a break. He said Marion, Ann's daughter, still plans on taking Ann with her to Cleveland in July. With the way Ann is eating, or not, who knows if she will still be here then. Dad's behavior and the way he spoke to Ann the other day worried me. It's not that I think or thought he'd ever be violent with her, but the way he spoke to her just kinda shook me up. I know she's not my mom, but as I was praying about it all, it just sort of took root in me so what if she's not my mom. How would I want my mom to be treated in this situation/circumstance. I needed to step in and diffuse things. I know she doesn't mean to be aggravating or not eat when it's time to eat. She just doesn't know any better and doesn't know that she ever did know better what to do and why. So I've tried to just be more helpful and accommodating to her. She wants her doll moved away from the door because the storm might hurt it? Ok, how is this over here? Instead of telling her to eat, I just fed her or assisted her in drinking. It's just easier and gives her dignity instead of being yelled at (by dad) and she doesn't even know why. I'm sure it's upsetting to her and probably scary. So I'm just trying to be better and keep it in the forefront of my mind that she may not be my mom, but what if this was? How would I want her to be treated and talked to, and that's what I'm determined to do.

Tomorrow is my 44th birthday. That is crazy. That's how old my mom was when she passed away. It made me miss Amanda even more today in a funny way; not that she wouldn't be here for my birthday, but that she wouldn't be here to NOT be here for my birthday. She pretty much skipped out on mine and/or Tim's birthday every year. Now I wish she was here to skip out on my birthday. I don't want to celebrate it. I'm off tomorrow which is nice, but I'm home while Dad goes to his Choctaw seniors luncheon. It's supposed to rain anyway. I did get to go play in the dirt some today and yesterday. I transplanted some plants/flowers and bought some bulbs today to plant but haven't decided where to put them. I like working in the dirt. Something sort of therapeutic about it. 

The metaphor of spring being the bringing forth of new life from the ground after the cold, hard winter seemed ironic to me. This new life is and will be coming forth, and I feel like a spectator looking through glass at the rest of the world but not quite able to participate in it. I can look, and it may seem pretty, but I can't quite feel or experience it like others; I'm set apart. Maybe one day again spring will come for me, too.

3/13/14 through today (3/20/14)

Well, quite a bit has occurred since I wrote last.  On Thursday, 3/13, the detective came over to meet with us at the Wesley after our free luncheon. Basically, we have nowhere to go in the investigation at this point. Until and unless Ericka at some point comes home and says something to the effect that Ryan intentionally hurt her, there is not enough evidence to convict for anything. The reason is, and we understand, there is too much that shows that Amanda was a willing participant in all that was going on. It wasn't her first time hanging out with them, so what they were about was no surprise. It wasn't her first time using. It wasn't her first time driving them down to Dallas for the heroin. All of those occurrences taken together paints the picture of someone who willingly went, who willingly used, and accidentally died. I'm coming to accept that. As much as it sucks, I mean, she just made a bad choice. No matter what her reasons were, it was just a bad choice and she accidentally overdosed...unless Ericka says otherwise, but I'm not hanging my hat on that. I'm gaining peace that she may be gone from this physical world, but she is every bit as alive as I am, even more so. She's not gone from me, she is here, I just can't see her. I'm starting to be able to just celebrate who she is/was to us and to others. I'm trying to not constantly focus on how she died, as just celebrate that she lived and the love she had for others. The one thing that her death has done for us is really open our eyes to the amount of hurting kids there are around us. It's not that we didn't see them or acknowledge them before, but now it's like there is this radar, laser focus. So, that's good, but it can also be a bit overwhelming at times. 

Next, on the 14th we drove to Dallas Love Field to pick up my long-time friend, Stacey (Brinson) Platt. We have known each other since kindergarten, used to live on opposite ends of 31st together, and went through school together except for junior high when she had moved to our "rival" school. Even then, though, she was in sports and I was a cheerleader, so we would see each other when our schools played each other. 

Stacey had a free round-trip ticket and wanted to come see me. We hadn't seen each other in 20 years, since our boys were little! It was such a blessing seeing her. Her son, Caleb, had passed away 3 years ago at the age of 11, so having someone who could truly relate to a lot of the same thoughts/feelings because she'd been there and was a bit ahead of me, was sooooo amazing. It wasn't like we only talked about the death of our kids, we didn't, but when we did, even though our experiences were totally different in circumstances, there are such commonalities and made for a deep bonding time. We laughed and talked, and talked, and talked, and cried, and hugged and it was just a fantastic time. To have someone like that that you haven't seen in so long and it could have been a bit awkward, but it was like no time had passed at all, and we just picked up like we had seen each other yesterday. Tim was tickled for me as he said he has never in all of our years together seen me talk as much as I (we) did. It was refreshing and I hope it's not another 20 years before we see each other. I was able to share Amanda's video from the service at Covenant. My own dad hasn't wanted to see that yet. I showed her the scrapbook holding all of these pictures we had at her service. It was so comforting to share Amanda with her and our love for her, and I got to hear all about her Caleb. We took her back to the airport on Monday, the 17th, which just happened to be her birthday. What a beautiful time together. I am so thankful we had that.

Monday we also flew out ourselves from DFW so we could come home to NC. We've gotten to spend a lot of time with Michael; we are staying again with Ms. Trudy, and Barbara Lingle let us use her Altima for the week we are here; seen Rob and Sarah Hall, Bob Wynn, Lisa Jenkins; Tim got to see Robin Davis, Lexy, Haley, and Steve; we saw Wes and Pastor Branson; we saw Dr. Blackmon and Dr. Kilpatrick, Pam Albertson, Kellie Cannon, and Kati Danner; we've seen Will Daugherty and Brent Anderson. We've tried to set things up with some other folks but they haven't worked out. Rob and Sarah are in a dancing competition tonight for Pitt Community College's Dancing With the Stars...it's a black-tie fundraiser, silent auction, etc., along with the dance competition to raise money for scholarships for PCC. What a great cause!! Since we weren't going to be going tonight to the competition, they invited us to watch them practice before us going to lunch with them today (Thursday). That was a LOT of fun!!

I have completely been thrilled to be home. Sure there have been moments of sadness that Amanda's not here, but she is. I wish we didn't have to go back and everyone keeps asking us when we are moving home. Well...the fact of the matter is, we can't leave until my daddy has passed, and although I hate living in OK, I am not in any hurry for my Daddy to be gone, either. So...I will just have to be satisfied with periodic trips home and try to make the best of it in OK. Here is home, good and bad, but I just feel so peaceful here. It has made me realize how much we had that we took for granted before without trying to or realizing we had. I mean, there are not just ONE but TWO movie theaters, ice skating, bowling, beautiful homes, our church family, our family family, sports venues, etc. We had so much. I'm thankful we've had this refresh/recharge. Tomorrow we will be going to New Bern to see family. 

I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that I'm "over" losing Amanda; I never will be. I will always miss her and love her and wish she was here in the physical, but I am cherishing the time I had with her. I'm thinking of good memories we had and not how she died. I'm thinking of the legacy, her always reaching out to help others and seeing them just as people, looking past their behaviors to just see hurting people and try to help that hurt. Because of her, I'm trying to pour into hurting teens I encounter and remind them that they, too, ARE enough! YOU ARE ENOUGH! Romans 12:2 - It talks about not conforming to how the world wants you to be (you will never be enough), but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind (through Christ). Christ is enough for us, and we, in Him, are enough. I love you, baby girl. Thank you for the privilege of being your Mama.

Almost 3 months...

Three months without Amanda seems ludicrous to me. I've been really emotional today. Had a bad breakdown the other night. I just get so tired of feeling like I have to put on a happy face and go on like everything is status quo. I just lost it after dinner one night. Just sitting at the table and it just all started crashing down around me. Being here. Her not being here. Wanting answers that may never come. The most important answer, I DO have, and that should satisfy me always, but the mom in me wants the WHY. I need to let it go, I guess. And I have this fear. I know, as I've read other grieving parents express the same thing, that it's "normal" given the circumstances, that Amanda will be forgotten. Someone so vitally important to me may be forgotten by all but us. That thought sickens me and yet, I know she won't be forgotten, not by those who loved her, by those whose lives she touched.

My brother is here for a few days. I was showing him some of the pictures we'd had out at her funeral and seeing if he wanted a few. Just having her scrapbook out and showing him the temporary urn she is in was distressing. Talking to him over breakfast about the questions we have had, the feelings that there should be SOME charges brought against Ryan and Ericka, etc. had me crying. Just trying to express how hard it is still to even wrap your mind and heart around my child being gone...people can sympathize with our pain, but unless you've been there, you just can never really know, and I pray no one else I know ever has to.  

Tim and I went to Oklahoma City yesterday. He had a conference for the camp he's going to be the dean of, and I tagged along just to have some time with him. On the way, Dad texted and said that the bath lady had come over and felt that Ann was severely dehydrated, so they were having her taken to the ER again by ambulance.  I was torn as I knew Dad's nerves would be torn up, but we were almost at least an hour out. We called our pastor who went up there to the hospital to sit with Dad a while.  Long story short, they found nothing wrong again with her and sent her home. They said it's just the progression of her Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and if she continues down this path, the next step will be a feeding tube. All she wants to do is sleep. She has zero quality of life. 

After the conference, Tim and I went to the Oklahoma City bombing memorial/museum. It was my second time as I'd been before with Dad and Ann. Tim had never been. It was still just as sobering and sad. Hard to believe that 2 people could wreak so much havoc, destruction and death for innocent people just to make an antigovernment statement.  We had hoped to be able to go check out some of the city, but it was going to be another 2+ hours home and we wanted to get home to Dad. Ann had been in bed the rest of the day pretty much. It was nice just to get away with Tim, though. He kept thanking me for riding down there with him. He hates to drive in heavy traffic like that so he was glad that I drove. I'm just glad he likes me with him.

Anyway, today after showing Tony the pictures, etc., Tim and I went to town as I had a hair appointment. I had just been feeling down today in general over Amanda. Just sad. Nothing specific happened, just missing her. I had my hair highlighted quite a bit this time so it's much more blonde but not in a fake-looking way. It looks very natural. Afterwards Tim and I didn't want to go right home so we went to Chili's. We are sitting there having dinner and I just felt the need to tell Tim what a great Dad he has been to our kids and how much I appreciate him. I told him that I've always appreciated the fact that he CHOSE to be their dad and knew it was something he could have walked away from before we ever started, but he chose for us to be a family. I just told him how much I love him and love that he has always done his very best for our family. Of course, I was crying, but I know how much we both beat ourselves up over our parenting and the "should have," "could have," and "would haves" in light of the choices our kids have made, but we know that they have been taught well and that they have free will, as we all do, and they are going to do what they are going to do. We, as parents, can only do our best and entrust them to God. I'm so thankful for Tim and the amazing husband and father he is and has been, and will continue to be. He has always been a gift from God and I'm so glad God let us be a family. On the way home, an Adele song came on that Amanda used to sing, "Someone Like You," and the memory of Amanda singing that song in her room or around the house, in the car, everywhere, was just so strong and her beautiful voice and the earnestness with which she sang just haunted me. I just miss her so much, and hearing that was what broke the dam. I just cried and cried driving home. It's so hard for me to really let it out with anyone but Tim or alone with God. No one else really understands it. In that way, a lot of times I feel alone in my grief (except for Tim, I mean).

The other day I did have Tim apply my memorial decal on my wheel cover on the RAV4. It looks so good. It makes me glad to have other people at least see her name and know this was someone  who was and is very loved, cherished, and missed by her family.

Two-and-a-half months

Two and a half months...more than that. 81 days. 81 days since I've seen my baby girl. Actually 82 since I saw her. Since I held her hand. I miss her so deeply. Sometimes it's something I see that I want to buy her. Sometimes it's wanting to call or text her. I want to hear her. I want to hug her. I want to know she's safe and I KNOW that she is safe; how could she not be, she's in heaven, but I'm her mom and I want to see her and know. I want to look into her eyes, those big, beautiful blue eyes with the twinkle of mischief in them. The big laugh where she threw her head back. 

Days seem so long now. So painfully long and gray. There are good things that happen, but there is always the sadness lurking in the corner. I know it's impossible to be the same after this. But what was wrong with how it was? A million little things were wrong, the bipolar, the mood swings, the experimenting with drugs, the anger she had, the friends, the arguing we would do. We wanted her to move forward into adulthood one little step at a time. We had gotten her the apartment. I wasn't even sure that was a good idea. She didn't have a job yet and was using weed so I didn't even know if she could get a job as I didn't think she'd pass any drug test. But I was hopeful that once she had the apartment, she would be motivated to be able to keep it, that she might actually like it and wonder why she'd held back so long. I know she was scared, scared to grow up and step out of what she knew. Growing up IS scary. I remember talking with Tim many times about what if we were expecting too much of her because of her bipolar? What if she would never be able to actually move out on her own and be able to function as we thought was "normal."  I was fine if we had to get a house eventually and have her have like a "mother-in-law" place of her own attached to the house. I was really wondering if that's how it was going to have to be so that she could have the best of both, whatever level she could function best at, still having the security of us being there, but having her own space, too. I guess all of that is moot now. Did we put too much pressure on her in light of her limitations with the bipolar? Maybe that had something to do with her using. Maybe she knew that we had unrealistic expectations of her and maybe she knew herself best after all and it depressed her that she'd never "be" whatever it was she thought we expected. Maybe we expected too much. Maybe we tried to shove her into a round hole when she was a square peg. I didn't understand. And maybe my lack of understanding her, I contributed to her depression. I wanted to understand her. We both did. She rarely let us in. I was always craving a close relationship with her, to have her spill her heart to me, and me be able to the same to her. I know she craved that, too, with me, with us, but I think there was that fear of being that vulnerable with anyone. And what a failure on my part that I didn't make her feel like she could, that talking to her mom was the safest place to bare her soul.  I miss her so much. I'm so sorry for failing you, Amanda. I failed to make you feel safe. I failed to listen to your heart, listen through the screaming or fits to hear the heart of what was the matter. I wanted you to be okay, Der, and you were as okay as you could be. I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel that that was not enough. You WERE enough. Maybe I deserve to have you gone. You were better than I deserved to have for a daughter. I failed you. I'm sorry. Sorrier than anyone else could ever know or understand. I love you, Amanda, and I can't wait to see you again. I pray you will forgive me.