Mother's Day 2018

Today is Mother's Day. I've tried not to think about it and was pretty successful at it for a while. Friday at work, however, when many ladies are getting flowers from their husbands and/or kids, the dam broke just for a little while.  It wasn't a full-on catastrophic break, more like a crack, but it leaked over lunch when I let my mind go there.  I called Tim on lunch and I know he was expecting it at some point.  It's just the way it goes for me on this grief journey.  I was thankful he let me just express myself as only he and God would understand the depth of my pain.

Mother's Day has been hard for years, even before Amanda died. First, my mom has been gone for 28 years...28 years. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards I haven't had the opportunity to buy, a lot of time spent with her on other times, phone calls and laughs to miss out on.  Then there's Ann not being here now.  But of course, for me, the biggest one is not having Amanda here in the here and now with us and Michael being back home in NC.  We long to get back to him and are working diligently toward that end.  But we're not together now, and that's hard.

Friday afternoon after talking to Tim, he surprised me with two beautiful deep pink roses in a vase with a little card.  He just wanted to cheer me up and knows how I struggle.  He's so very thoughtful and loving. After work, he came back up and we went to Sherman for supper.  We ate at Golden Corral (more like gorged). We went to Office Depot for some stuff he needed and then went shopping for new work/church clothes for me for spring/summer.  Time with him is just what I needed.  It was wonderful.

All the while, however, I know I'm stuffing memories, trying very hard not to think of them, not because they aren't worthy of thinking of and celebrating, but because they are.  Because it hurts so dang much to peek back at those, the happy times, even the hard times because it's a reminder that I don't get those with our girl now and it's only some time off in the future.  So I was at church this morning and Ms. Patty Wells asked me if I'd heard from Mike, which I had.  💝 He called me while I was getting ready for church this morning and we talked for about 15 minutes.  I'd gotten his card yesterday.  Then she asked me if I was thinking on the happier times with Amanda.  I told her I was trying really hard not to.  She insisted that I needed to do that, to celebrate them.  I started crying and she was teared up and gave me a hug and told me she knew it was hard.  After church, knowing we'd already been out to eat at a nicer place this weekend and that most restaurants in town would be packed for Mother's Day, we opted for cheap and went to McDonald's (my choice).  After that, we opted to come home instead of going grocery shopping and get a nap (Tim is done with youth for now - PRAISE!!!).  I say all of that to get to this memory/point.  While I was napping, God brought to mind one of my most favorite, precious memories of Amanda.  When I was in college, she was in pre-school right there at the college.  When they'd be outside playing, she was always on the lookout for me and when she'd see me, even if from a long ways off, she would yell MOMMMMMYYYYY.  I'd hear her and go over to her.  We were always excited to see one another in the middle of our normal day.  It was a treat.  I'd go over to the fence, go inside and she'd run into my arms and I'd just hold her for a while, give her kisses and tell her I loved her.  I really hope it's like that one day again, that she's watching and waiting for me, excited to see me again and when she does, she yells MOMMMMYYY, pushes her way to the front and runs into my arms...I long for that.  What a Mother's Day that will be.