I haven't written in a bit...I just haven't wanted to. The holidays have me reminiscing about Amanda and it all seems wrong without her here.
I cooked a very minimal Thanksgiving dinner. I played Adele while I was cooking to include Amanda. It was okay. We watched a movie with Dad while we ate. I also purchased Christmas cards and, with Tim's help, got those filled out and sent.
On November 30 we received the T-shirt quilt that we had made of Amanda's T-shirts. It is BEAUTIFUL. Such a special thing to have. I'm sort of paranoid of it getting messed up, though. It's a queen size and we had bought owl flannel sheets to be the backing of it. We have the T-shirt side down as, with the animals, I don't want it messed up. It's like snuggling up with her...sort of.
I did do my baking for Michael. I made him chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin cookies, turtles and fudge. I shipped that out November 30 also, priority mail...supposed to be there BY the 3rd...oh no...he got it on the 7th. I was not a happy camper, but at least he got it. He was funny. He texted me the next day and said someone needed to take the bag of turtles away from him because he kept eating them. :-)
I organized a group of us from youth (adults only) to go to Elements and paint. It was so much fun! I really needed it. The wine helped haha. Tim made his look like an elf and mine...well, it's supposed to be Santa. We laughed and carried on. It was a really fun night and I needed to cut loose so much. The pressure and stress of missing Amanda is so heavy. I've been snapping at everything. I've been drinking a little more (which is to say I very, very rarely drink at all, and I bought a bottle of mudslides and a bottle of wine at Thanksgiving and I still have some of both left). Because we had so much fun, I organized for us to have (with kids) a gingerbread house and/or cookie decorating get-together at the Wesley. We (generalized) always talk about getting together with people and it's always sort of put off for "we should" or "sometime" and never actually do it. Tim and I are such hermits and it's good for us to get together with friends. That will be happening on the 18th at 6 p.m.
We had the Wesley Christmas party/dinner this last Sunday night. I was supposed to make the ham and spinach dip but ended up making the deviled eggs and mashed potatoes, too. They did a talent show which was funny. Tim participated in that, two different skits. I knew they were practicing for something for a few weeks, but I hadn't seen it. It was cute.
All of this is good and fine and all of that, but honestly, I feel like a fraud. Even with my book and all of that, I guess it gives the illusion that I'm dealing with things fine, and who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things and the magnitude of my loss, I am, but it doesn't feel like it. I guess it really just hits me even harder at the holidays. I had a hissy fit the other night, well, Sunday afternoon. At times I feel like all of this helping with this and helping with that are just too much and even though Tim says I don't have to, I know that he kind of does expect it, so I do it, and feel like I constantly have to stuff my own needs into a corner. I don't know. Maybe doing this stuff is better for me than hiding in my room.
The book is selling very slowly. I got my first "royalty check." A big whopping $14 and some change. We haven't even broken even yet to start sending money to New Life House. Sigh. No festivals in the near future to try and sell at. No new radio or TV appearances to promote it. It's frustrating.
I guess I'd better get back to work. I've been struggling with that, too. I can't seem to stay focused. I'm easily distracted...Case in point, I'm writing my blog when I should be working. Tim and I booked a cabin in Shawnee that we are going to tomorrow and coming back on the 12th to be there during the anniversary of Amanda's death. I'm glad we will just have some time alone. I miss Amanda so very much. I know she's better, I just miss her. Can't even go home to see Michael for Christmas, but that was worth it because we were able to keep him in school this semester. He just passed the first part of his certification exam for his degree. I'm really proud of him!!! He's working so hard, full-time as the kitchen manager at Crave and taking care of his school in addition to his relationship with Sara. I'm really happy for him and the direction his life is heading.
Back to work.
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Busyness and grumpy
So much has been going on that I haven't felt like I've had the time to even post. I've sold several books. I went to Jen's church in Calera last Sunday (November 1) to be part of the service. She was talking about life after death and after reading my book, she knew I'd had several experiences with Amanda and even prior, with my mom, so she had me sit up front with her and she asked me questions. Tim went with me and videotaped it. I think I did pretty well. Then the next day I had a television interview with KXII. That was VERY brief. Tim went with me to support me with that, too. Aaron Bucy was there. Everything seemed to go fairly well until the cameraman distracted me and right then they asked me where people could find the book, and I froze. Thank goodness the camera wasn't on me at that time, but it was obvious that my mind had gone blank....sigh. Lesson learned. I have another interview on Friday with KTEN and this time I'm going to bring a note card with the websites where people can purchase the book! Tuesday we have a student coming over from Southeastern to interview us for the college newspaper. It's not like the main newspaper for town, but at least it's exposure.
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Emotional
I've been a bit emotional the last few days. I can't totally put my finger on it. It's been cumulative of several small things....the seasons changing, I've hurt my left foot and right knee attempting to jog and so I'm out of doing that for a while (I think I actually have "duck feet" so that may be why - I had to wear braces on my feet/legs as a child and maybe they didn't work??...we got a new dog (Jax) and it made me sad that as big of a lover of animals Amanda was, she wasn't here to meet him/love on him...my book is I guess selling okay...I want it to do well as I want it to help others, but at the same time it's hard to think about it as the only reason there IS a book is because our baby girl is in Heaven....then last night I heard back after several months from a lady I'd asked about making a T-shirt quilt for me from Amanda's T-shirts. I took those out of Tim's dresser where they've been for months. I've wanted to get this done and yet, as silly as it may seem to some, the thought of those shirts being cut up for any reason upsets me. One more tangible thing that was Amanda's and I'm letting them go, even if it's to turn them into something wonderful in her memory. I never would have worn them, but still it was hard to part with them. I did take pictures of all of them last night and met with her today. For the back, I need to look for a queen-size sheet with owls on it, sort of whimsical, if I can find one Tim and I agree on.
Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale. I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more. One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy. Several others want to buy one. Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time. Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.
I guess that's it...shed some tears today. I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.
Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale. I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more. One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy. Several others want to buy one. Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time. Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.
I guess that's it...shed some tears today. I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Amanda's 21st birthday, Sunday, September 27, 2015.
It really was a beautiful day. I had been in a bit of a funk (not too terrible) a few days before, but that's normal. Saturday I stayed in bed quite a bit, just sad.
Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze. We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more. After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite). Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.
When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon. It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out. At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.
When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons. It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.
The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe. That made me laugh. Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok. I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.
We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left. I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church. I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her. Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes. My sweet baby girl.
I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day. I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.
We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today. I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either. At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.
I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy. It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.
Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze. We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more. After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite). Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.
When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon. It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out. At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.
When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons. It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.
The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe. That made me laugh. Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok. I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.
We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left. I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church. I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her. Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes. My sweet baby girl.
I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day. I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.
We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today. I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either. At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.
I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy. It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Big Changes
So....I've been helping Tim with youth this semester. To be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted to pull away some...But God had other plans for me and I'm so glad He did!
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Dark places
Last time I wrote, I think I indicated that I need some help. That is very true. The fact of the matter is I feel hopeless and rather pointless. Hopeless in that I feel stuck and see no viable option for me. We are here to help dad, and dad is here in the sticks. Being in the sticks for me is entirely too isolating and it's not good for my bipolar (Amanda and I definitely had that in common). I can't move and Dad won't move, so....I've been in a very, very dark place contemplating pills, think about drinking way too much, and just suicide in general. I feel pointless in that I feel like dad and I don't really relate. We don't talk. I feel like I can't really share what's on my heart and mind because (A) It would likely hurt his feelings, (B), I feel tremendous guilt for feeling how I do, (C) he never talks about Amanda, and (D) I feel like he doesn't really care if I am here or not, but Tim, being a man, is another story. I feel like a hindrance to Tim. I feel like just a wallet to Michael, which I know is not true, but in general, it just feels like if I were to die, it really wouldn't leave a ripple.
I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone. I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim. My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules.
Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are. There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid. It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ?? I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier. I feel so crappy. Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough. I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. I have no drive about anything. All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention. At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that. The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't? I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her. She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.
Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already. I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday. I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way. Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.
I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone. I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim. My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules.
Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are. There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid. It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ?? I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier. I feel so crappy. Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough. I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. I have no drive about anything. All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention. At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that. The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't? I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her. She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.
Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already. I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday. I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way. Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.
Monday, August 10, 2015
I hate this depression
I feel like a broken record and a total whiner, but I can't shake this depression.
We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4. It was sooooo good!!! Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change. We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him. As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back. We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock. It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted. I miss that so very much. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing.
Then I come back here. I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much. I feel so guilty. I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad. I don't like going to our church here. I get nothing out of it. I don't fit in anywhere. I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone. I don't feel a purpose in my life. I think too often about drinking and/or suicide. I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....
I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada. There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight. I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to. No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for. I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer? I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy? And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me. I feel so alone.
___________________________________________
Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.
... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp
We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4. It was sooooo good!!! Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change. We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him. As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back. We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock. It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted. I miss that so very much. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing.
Then I come back here. I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much. I feel so guilty. I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad. I don't like going to our church here. I get nothing out of it. I don't fit in anywhere. I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone. I don't feel a purpose in my life. I think too often about drinking and/or suicide. I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....
I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada. There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight. I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to. No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for. I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer? I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy? And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me. I feel so alone.
___________________________________________
Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.
... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp
Saturday, July 25, 2015
What it's like to be me...
This...
This is what it's like to be me. Every day I wake up with the deepest, unquenchable ache in the core of my being. Every day I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Every day I go through the motions of life and not really feeling much of it.
What was this person's scream for? What shook them to their core? Did they recover? Did they get resolution? I feel like this every single day on the inside. I feel like there's this horror inside, the horror of having lost my child. The horror of having to go on without her. The flashbacks. The not knowing what her last thoughts were. Mine is a silent scream. People don't REALLY want to know how you are. They want your pat answer that you're fine because that makes THEM feel better. How I am is far from fine. I feel like I carry around this bag of the most unthinkable darkness that I can't dare open up. What would people think? They would turn away, but really no one is there TO turn away. It's just me, and just Tim. If I opened that bag up just a smidgen, it may all start coming out and then I may never be okay again, even the modicum of "okay" that I am now. I have no one to talk to. I am so alone in this. I miss my child. My heart aches for her. For who she could have been and yet...with her bipolar and the hold drugs had on her, I don't know they would have ever loosened their grip for her to have the life we wanted for her. They were relentless adversaries that masqueraded as friends. Giving her false peace with lies. Cut, it will make you feel better. Do this drug, it will make you feel better.
So every day I get up, work, do my necessary stuff. I want to see Michael more and we are going to see him in a few days. He misses his sister and says he talks to her every day. That both hurts me and helps me. He shouldn't have to talk to her spirit, but then I'm conflicted and know she's so, so much better now than she ever would have been here on earth...it's just the momma's heart in me that misses this sweet precious daughter that I held, fed, bathed, taught, laughed with, cried with, held her hand, slept with til she could fall asleep. I miss her sassy sense of humor. I miss how she was so dang smart it was scary. I miss her compassionate heart....the way she cared for the downtrodden of society and was such a lover of all animals. I miss her texting me from her bedroom...or the bathroom in Walmart. I miss having a scary movie buddy. I miss having the dream of being with her when she brought her own child into the world and growing in a new relationship with her. I don't get that dream now. All of this and the fact that I have no one to talk to about it lends itself to my own silent scream...the one inside my heart and mind where it's safe from onlookers and those who would judge her and me....the ones who think that her loss is "less than" because of how she died. Amanda was more...she was more to me. She was more to her family who loved her. So I keep my scream hidden inside. This is me.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Going crazy.
I am terribly, terribly depressed. I can't seem to shake it. Nothing has really changed so I don't understand it. My surgery went great. The mass was benign. They took both ovaries and said I had endometriosis, which they burned whatever spots of that, that there were. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to work. I am not satisfied in anything. I'm bored all the time. I cry easily. Maybe it's from the ovaries being removed.
However, I've noticed that this 2nd year of having lost Amanda has been harder in some ways than the first. In the first year I was in shock, which is a nice buffer. I was scrambling and scraping to hold onto any sense of normalcy so I didn't totally lose it. I still hold to my faith...I can't and don't want to imagine my life without it. But now, it's like my heart is catching up with what my head has known, and the finality of it all is smothering. It's not like I think about it all day every day or anything like that. I miss her. I love her. I always will. But it's like it's colored over EVERYTHING.
I know part of my discontent in my mood is our living here in the sticks. It's so isolating. And yet, I don't want to leave Dad alone so we can have an apartment in town. Living with Dad isn't difficult, personality wise. He's funny. He's easy to get along with. Yes, there's too much junk, but... I just have mixed emotions about it. I miss so much having our own space. Being able to do things that weren't dependent on flipping schedules and nurses and all of that. Being able to schedule things when I need/want them done and not based on bowling schedules and Indian lunches. As I type it I realize how petty I am. I do realize how precious this time is with my dad, and it is. I get this opportunity that many don't and many wouldn't want for the inconvenience. I'm just saying it's not easy and it does come with sacrifices.
I don't want to work at the Wesley anymore. I don't want to type anymore. I really don't seem to want to do much of anything anymore. I feel like my life is one of those flip books that if you flip the pages really fast an image seems to come to life. Well mine would look the same day after day after day, week after week. I'm so freaking bored with my life. All I do is work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is really nothing TO do in this whole freaking area. Tim's constantly busy. Right now and the last couple of weeks he's been busting his tail to build dad a sunroom. He's doing such a great job and he's working so hard. I'm proud of all that he is able to accomplish. And I know, in part, he's doing it so we can get me an elliptical and have a place to put it. I do want to exercise and know I need it. I know that would probably help with my mood.
I have no real social interaction. I have "friends," but no one I feel I can call up and do anything with. And then again, what's there to "do"?? Then I'm also conflicted as when Tim has time to spend with me, I want to spend it with him. We ARE getting away to Oklahoma City this coming weekend (July 4th weekend), but again, it's for his part-time pastor's thing. Sigh. At least it's out of here, but still. I don't like feeling so isolated. I feel very, very alone. I did reach out to my old group, GriefShare, but they're not doing any meetings in the summer. I brought home some of the books I'd bought right after Amanda died, so I've started reading one, I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-bye. It's about dealing with sudden loss. It's validating to read things that mirror my own feelings/experiences/thoughts. I'm truly wading through unchartered waters and the only one who can tell me where to go and how to get there is me and God. From what I understand from my friend, Stacey, this second year being harder is a normal occurrence. Maybe I'm not losing my mind.
However, I've noticed that this 2nd year of having lost Amanda has been harder in some ways than the first. In the first year I was in shock, which is a nice buffer. I was scrambling and scraping to hold onto any sense of normalcy so I didn't totally lose it. I still hold to my faith...I can't and don't want to imagine my life without it. But now, it's like my heart is catching up with what my head has known, and the finality of it all is smothering. It's not like I think about it all day every day or anything like that. I miss her. I love her. I always will. But it's like it's colored over EVERYTHING.
I know part of my discontent in my mood is our living here in the sticks. It's so isolating. And yet, I don't want to leave Dad alone so we can have an apartment in town. Living with Dad isn't difficult, personality wise. He's funny. He's easy to get along with. Yes, there's too much junk, but... I just have mixed emotions about it. I miss so much having our own space. Being able to do things that weren't dependent on flipping schedules and nurses and all of that. Being able to schedule things when I need/want them done and not based on bowling schedules and Indian lunches. As I type it I realize how petty I am. I do realize how precious this time is with my dad, and it is. I get this opportunity that many don't and many wouldn't want for the inconvenience. I'm just saying it's not easy and it does come with sacrifices.
I don't want to work at the Wesley anymore. I don't want to type anymore. I really don't seem to want to do much of anything anymore. I feel like my life is one of those flip books that if you flip the pages really fast an image seems to come to life. Well mine would look the same day after day after day, week after week. I'm so freaking bored with my life. All I do is work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is really nothing TO do in this whole freaking area. Tim's constantly busy. Right now and the last couple of weeks he's been busting his tail to build dad a sunroom. He's doing such a great job and he's working so hard. I'm proud of all that he is able to accomplish. And I know, in part, he's doing it so we can get me an elliptical and have a place to put it. I do want to exercise and know I need it. I know that would probably help with my mood.
I have no real social interaction. I have "friends," but no one I feel I can call up and do anything with. And then again, what's there to "do"?? Then I'm also conflicted as when Tim has time to spend with me, I want to spend it with him. We ARE getting away to Oklahoma City this coming weekend (July 4th weekend), but again, it's for his part-time pastor's thing. Sigh. At least it's out of here, but still. I don't like feeling so isolated. I feel very, very alone. I did reach out to my old group, GriefShare, but they're not doing any meetings in the summer. I brought home some of the books I'd bought right after Amanda died, so I've started reading one, I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-bye. It's about dealing with sudden loss. It's validating to read things that mirror my own feelings/experiences/thoughts. I'm truly wading through unchartered waters and the only one who can tell me where to go and how to get there is me and God. From what I understand from my friend, Stacey, this second year being harder is a normal occurrence. Maybe I'm not losing my mind.
Monday, May 25, 2015
"Mom struggles"
I've been struggling lately. I don't know if it's the upcoming surgery that has me more contemplative. I've been thinking about Michael, myself, our relationship, and his future. I'm an enabler. I have a hard time telling Michael "no" when he asks for something, but especially since Amanda died. I know there were many times when Amanda was still alive that she'd ask for something (i.e. to have her nails done), and we said "No" when it would have been just as easy to say yes, even if it hurt a little financially at the time. Since Amanda died, I look back at all of those lost opportunities for the relationship to be built, those times to connect. Not that we should have said yes to everything and spoil her, but what really would it have hurt to say yes more than we did? And so I have some regrets and I don't want to have those with Michael, BUT...
Michael is my baby...he will always be my baby, but he is not A baby, and I need to let him fall sometimes on his own without trying to swoop in and prevent...what? Financial hardship of his own making? Him feeling the repercussions of poor decision making and lack of planning? What I'm really preventing are learning opportunities for him to grow, to feel the sting and say OUCH! I shouldn't do "that" again.
In the last two months or so, we've spent a lot of money on Michael. Now granted, we CHOSE to do this, so he could go see his father and sisters. We feel that was important. But see, it wasn't just the flight and travel money, then it's money to make up for his lost work when he gets back. It's hey, I forgot I need my meds, may I please get some money? And I rationalize, well those are important, so here's the money. And then it's that he needs contacts. Again, I rationalize the importance of those and purchase his eye appointment and 2 years of contacts....but the last time I bought them we were leaving NC and I told him he had two years to start budgeting and saving for the next go-round. Fast forward two years and there I go paying again. And it's gas money sometimes, and his check was short so can I help him pay rent? There's a litany of occurrences. He always expresses his great thankfulness, so there's that, but...he's 26 now. Yesterday he texted me this sweet note but was asking if I would "help" him get his fishing license so he could take Sara out on a boat fishing at River Park North. I lied to him and said I didn't have the money. I felt terrible for lying to him and I thought saying No might split me in two. Then I worry about, well is he going to put it on his credit card and just add to his debt then?? He likes to go and do like we all do, but he doesn't have the income for it...at all. So since I'm connected to his checking account and I can see when he's gone to Christy's Euro Pub and blown money that, had he planned ahead, could have been used for X, Y, or Z, and then he asks me for money, it bothers me. So I'm not mad at myself for saying No, (I mean clearly I say "yes" too much!), but then the guilt starts of....would I look back on this if something were to happen to him and regret it? In this instance, I definitely think not. It's just a struggle. Letting go. Needing him to grow up, but then I've been preventing that in many ways. I mean, he pays his bills, gas, etc., 99% of the time, he just needs to learn to budget and plan ahead. Part of me thinks...well geez, at 26 I had a 2-year-old and a 7-year old....but he's not me, and I've been enabling this behavior of spending all I have and then asking mom when I can't do _____.
Michael is my baby...he will always be my baby, but he is not A baby, and I need to let him fall sometimes on his own without trying to swoop in and prevent...what? Financial hardship of his own making? Him feeling the repercussions of poor decision making and lack of planning? What I'm really preventing are learning opportunities for him to grow, to feel the sting and say OUCH! I shouldn't do "that" again.
In the last two months or so, we've spent a lot of money on Michael. Now granted, we CHOSE to do this, so he could go see his father and sisters. We feel that was important. But see, it wasn't just the flight and travel money, then it's money to make up for his lost work when he gets back. It's hey, I forgot I need my meds, may I please get some money? And I rationalize, well those are important, so here's the money. And then it's that he needs contacts. Again, I rationalize the importance of those and purchase his eye appointment and 2 years of contacts....but the last time I bought them we were leaving NC and I told him he had two years to start budgeting and saving for the next go-round. Fast forward two years and there I go paying again. And it's gas money sometimes, and his check was short so can I help him pay rent? There's a litany of occurrences. He always expresses his great thankfulness, so there's that, but...he's 26 now. Yesterday he texted me this sweet note but was asking if I would "help" him get his fishing license so he could take Sara out on a boat fishing at River Park North. I lied to him and said I didn't have the money. I felt terrible for lying to him and I thought saying No might split me in two. Then I worry about, well is he going to put it on his credit card and just add to his debt then?? He likes to go and do like we all do, but he doesn't have the income for it...at all. So since I'm connected to his checking account and I can see when he's gone to Christy's Euro Pub and blown money that, had he planned ahead, could have been used for X, Y, or Z, and then he asks me for money, it bothers me. So I'm not mad at myself for saying No, (I mean clearly I say "yes" too much!), but then the guilt starts of....would I look back on this if something were to happen to him and regret it? In this instance, I definitely think not. It's just a struggle. Letting go. Needing him to grow up, but then I've been preventing that in many ways. I mean, he pays his bills, gas, etc., 99% of the time, he just needs to learn to budget and plan ahead. Part of me thinks...well geez, at 26 I had a 2-year-old and a 7-year old....but he's not me, and I've been enabling this behavior of spending all I have and then asking mom when I can't do _____.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
May 14
Been away for a while…from posting, that is. It's just I feel like a broken record.
Let me see....Mother's Day....well, it came and went. Tim took me to Tokyo the day before as I hate dealing with crowded restaurants. Michael texted me (he was the first to wish me happy mother's day), but ya know what? (I would never ever say this to him as I know he's broke and already feeling like a failure in life, wishing he'd gone to school earlier so he'd be further along than he is.) Just once, ON HIS OWN ACCORD, I would love for him to CALL me on Mother's Day, send me a card, something. But I got a text. At least I got that.
I was trying really hard not to think about it. Trying not to think that I have TWO children who should be here to ignore me on Mother's day (snarky). I did find a FB post Amanda made to me in May 2012 saying how much she looked up to me, how I was the hardest working woman she knows and that she wants to make me proud (tears). Well, trying not to think about it only lasted so long, because my heart and mind weren't collaborating. I ended up going in the room and crying for a while. Tim came in and held me. He said he knew it was coming; he just didn't know when.
On Tuesday when we were coming into work, we were driving down Cox Lane (I was following Tim) and a big beautiful owl flew right between our vehicles. I just hit the brakes and watched with mouth agape. I just started crying. Tim pulled over to have me pull up beside him and he was like, "Did you see that???" I needed that little hug from Amanda.…boy did I need it!
So today I've been in kind of a funk. I had this very intense dream last night/early this morning. There was a trial. Apparently some evidence had been "found" that showed that Ryan intentionally killed Amanda. The scenes would change back and forth from in the court room to in a conference room with the judge, attorneys, me, Tim, and Ryan. The opposing side were just ripping Amanda to shreds, basically saying that it was her own fault. I just remember arguing that we never said Amanda was a saint, but that no one deserves to have their life taken from them like that. It was very traumatic the things they were saying about her and I was just crying. There was also a slideshow of pictures of Amanda that I'd never seen before. Pictures of her at school, with friends, etc. I was elated and brokenhearted at the same time to see these pictures of our beautiful girl. I was mesmerized just wanting to take in every detail of each one, and at the same time hearing such terrible things about her. The whole dream was so intense and I remember I was just sobbing. The alarm went off then so I never got to finish it, but the residua of the dream just has left me in a funk. Funny how it can carry over and color your mood. I'm trying not to let it, which is why I'm blogging about it so maybe if I get it out, I can move on from it.
Tomorrow is Michael's 26th birthday. What. the. heck?! 26??? Friday he's going back to see his father for a visit. I'm thankful he has lived long enough for this to happen. Today's my grandpa's birthday. It just dawned on me, that this is the same timing as when I went into labor with Michael in 1989. It was May 14 (Grandpa's bday), and I was hoping to have him on that day (It was also Mother's day that year), but he came at 2:48 a.m. the 15th, weighing 8 lb. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. :-)
We've made vacation plans to go back out and see him July 28-August 4. I need some Michael time and just time away from Oklahoma. Hopefully the results of my surgery won't mess that up. We did purchase trip insurance in case things have to change, however. It's going to depend on if the mass is malignant or benign and what treatment, if anything, needs to happen after that. I'm hoping we can still go. I really just need out of here. Unfortunately, my surgery is June 2 and Tim will be at camp that week, so my lady friend, Jean Rodgers, is going to be my ride. It's just a same-day surgery (I hope). They are starting it laparoscopically and, depending on what they find when they get in there, may have to convert it to an "open" surgery (bigger incision, longer recovery time). I really hate that Tim won't be there.
That's all for now. Guess I'll get back to work....It feels that that is all I do.
Let me see....Mother's Day....well, it came and went. Tim took me to Tokyo the day before as I hate dealing with crowded restaurants. Michael texted me (he was the first to wish me happy mother's day), but ya know what? (I would never ever say this to him as I know he's broke and already feeling like a failure in life, wishing he'd gone to school earlier so he'd be further along than he is.) Just once, ON HIS OWN ACCORD, I would love for him to CALL me on Mother's Day, send me a card, something. But I got a text. At least I got that.
I was trying really hard not to think about it. Trying not to think that I have TWO children who should be here to ignore me on Mother's day (snarky). I did find a FB post Amanda made to me in May 2012 saying how much she looked up to me, how I was the hardest working woman she knows and that she wants to make me proud (tears). Well, trying not to think about it only lasted so long, because my heart and mind weren't collaborating. I ended up going in the room and crying for a while. Tim came in and held me. He said he knew it was coming; he just didn't know when.
On Tuesday when we were coming into work, we were driving down Cox Lane (I was following Tim) and a big beautiful owl flew right between our vehicles. I just hit the brakes and watched with mouth agape. I just started crying. Tim pulled over to have me pull up beside him and he was like, "Did you see that???" I needed that little hug from Amanda.…boy did I need it!
So today I've been in kind of a funk. I had this very intense dream last night/early this morning. There was a trial. Apparently some evidence had been "found" that showed that Ryan intentionally killed Amanda. The scenes would change back and forth from in the court room to in a conference room with the judge, attorneys, me, Tim, and Ryan. The opposing side were just ripping Amanda to shreds, basically saying that it was her own fault. I just remember arguing that we never said Amanda was a saint, but that no one deserves to have their life taken from them like that. It was very traumatic the things they were saying about her and I was just crying. There was also a slideshow of pictures of Amanda that I'd never seen before. Pictures of her at school, with friends, etc. I was elated and brokenhearted at the same time to see these pictures of our beautiful girl. I was mesmerized just wanting to take in every detail of each one, and at the same time hearing such terrible things about her. The whole dream was so intense and I remember I was just sobbing. The alarm went off then so I never got to finish it, but the residua of the dream just has left me in a funk. Funny how it can carry over and color your mood. I'm trying not to let it, which is why I'm blogging about it so maybe if I get it out, I can move on from it.
Tomorrow is Michael's 26th birthday. What. the. heck?! 26??? Friday he's going back to see his father for a visit. I'm thankful he has lived long enough for this to happen. Today's my grandpa's birthday. It just dawned on me, that this is the same timing as when I went into labor with Michael in 1989. It was May 14 (Grandpa's bday), and I was hoping to have him on that day (It was also Mother's day that year), but he came at 2:48 a.m. the 15th, weighing 8 lb. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. :-)
We've made vacation plans to go back out and see him July 28-August 4. I need some Michael time and just time away from Oklahoma. Hopefully the results of my surgery won't mess that up. We did purchase trip insurance in case things have to change, however. It's going to depend on if the mass is malignant or benign and what treatment, if anything, needs to happen after that. I'm hoping we can still go. I really just need out of here. Unfortunately, my surgery is June 2 and Tim will be at camp that week, so my lady friend, Jean Rodgers, is going to be my ride. It's just a same-day surgery (I hope). They are starting it laparoscopically and, depending on what they find when they get in there, may have to convert it to an "open" surgery (bigger incision, longer recovery time). I really hate that Tim won't be there.
That's all for now. Guess I'll get back to work....It feels that that is all I do.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
It's been a while...
I haven't posted since February. Days turn into weeks and so on, and there's nothing spectacular to write about.
I turned 45 on March 26, and I took the day off. I was really down for a few days before my bday. I just wanted Amanda here, knowing, though, that even if she were here, she probably wouldn't have spent it with me. She usually blew off mine and Tim's birthdays. But I wanted her here, even if it was to blow me off. I didn't want the big hoorah that some of the Wesley kids may make over it. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want it. None of it. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and since it was on a Thursday when we serve the free lunch at the Wesley and have Bible study at night, I just couldn't bear the thought of being around a bunch of people, especially Michelle.
One thing that occurred was that Michael's father, Tim Stumbaugh, ended up in the hospital and nearly died. First he was nearly dead when he arrived at the ER, and then after surgery, nearly bled to death. They really didn't think he was going to make it. I'd been trying to get Michael and his father to communicate, but neither had made a real effort, both scared, I suppose. Well, this time we flew Michael out there for a few days. We felt it was important, especially if his father were going to die, for Michael to have some time to see his father, to say whatever he needed to. He was able to meet family he never has, specifically his sisters Mia and Destiny, and a 2nd cousin, James, who is Tim's medical power of attorney. Tim is an alcoholic with liver failure and desperately needs a liver transplant, but due to his repetitive relapses with alcohol, that's not likely to happen. Tim's out of the hospital now and living with James and his family. We have been in communication. I prayed for him constantly. I pray for his soul. I prayed for God to breathe healing life into every cell in his body, but specifically for him reach into Tim's heart, mind, and soul and speak life and love to him, and for Tim to say "Yes" to Christ. Tim and I agreed even before Tim S. got out, that since he only has, at max, 6 months to live, we would cancel our family vacation plans to a cabin in NC we'd rented, and send Michael back out there to spend time with his father. We booked him a flight for May 16-19, a day after Michael's 26th birthday. I was able to connect some with Mia and Destiny, sending Destiny pictures of her dad and brother that she'd never seen.
So, aside from that, it's pretty much been status quo. Easter is tomorrow and Rachel Jenkins got married today to Josh Schwager...both events have me melancholy. I'm elated for Easter -- the meaning of Easter -- It's my favorite holiday. However, with that, it brings up the memories of Easters when the kids were little. I don't think I have a single picture of the kids at Easter time. The kids loved decorating eggs. Even as an older teen, Amanda still wanted us to dye eggs...how I wish I could go back and say yes instead of thinking it silly. She loved doing Easter egg hunts. I remember countless ones at the trailer. We'd hide easier ones for her or she'd get really frustrated, and harder ones for Michael. We had to make stipulations that Michael, even if he saw an easy one, he couldn't take it for himself or he'd get all of the eggs and Amanda would throw a fit. We'd do hunt after hunt. She just loved them.
Then with Rachel getting married today....she used to babysit Amanda sometimes...kinda cuts to the heart. Another reminder of what I won't get to share with her. I wanted her to find that forever love...sometimes I think she thought we set the bar too high with mine and Tim's marriage. She wanted what we have, but she wanted it without all of the hard work that went into getting there. She wanted an automatic happily ever after...now in Heaven she gets the happily ever after, just not the one I'd hoped she'd find here, too. And so, my eyes are leaking again.
Then, one final thing...I've been having what I'm assuming are GYN issues. It feels like cysts on my ovary, but instead of hurting once a month or every other month, it's been multiple times a month with a dull ache almost daily. I've had a pelvic, a pap, and an ultrasound now. They even insinuated I was making it up (or making more of it than it was) because I'm depressed. The sent in some sort of a shrink to talk to me for like an hour and a half before she said I was fine, doing better than she would have expected, and I've done a lot of processing/grief work already. Well, lo and behold, a few days later the doctor had to call me to tell me that the radiologist saw something on the ultrasound. She said, yes, there were multiple cysts on the right ovary but that there was something near or next to the ovary that had blood flow to it. They want to do a CT scan, but, with the speed with which they move, it won't be until April 16th. I'm praying it's not cancer, but the thought that has continued to float around in my head is, To live is Christ; to die is gain. Not exactly the encouraging thought I wanted, but I agree. If I continue to live, I want it to be to glorify God, but if I don't, then I get to go home to Heaven, Amanda, and my mom....but I don't want to leave Tim and Michael...so...enough of that jazz. I'm trying not to worry about it...I mean, Matthew 6:27 says, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" So, thy will be done, Lord, THY will.
I turned 45 on March 26, and I took the day off. I was really down for a few days before my bday. I just wanted Amanda here, knowing, though, that even if she were here, she probably wouldn't have spent it with me. She usually blew off mine and Tim's birthdays. But I wanted her here, even if it was to blow me off. I didn't want the big hoorah that some of the Wesley kids may make over it. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want it. None of it. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and since it was on a Thursday when we serve the free lunch at the Wesley and have Bible study at night, I just couldn't bear the thought of being around a bunch of people, especially Michelle.
One thing that occurred was that Michael's father, Tim Stumbaugh, ended up in the hospital and nearly died. First he was nearly dead when he arrived at the ER, and then after surgery, nearly bled to death. They really didn't think he was going to make it. I'd been trying to get Michael and his father to communicate, but neither had made a real effort, both scared, I suppose. Well, this time we flew Michael out there for a few days. We felt it was important, especially if his father were going to die, for Michael to have some time to see his father, to say whatever he needed to. He was able to meet family he never has, specifically his sisters Mia and Destiny, and a 2nd cousin, James, who is Tim's medical power of attorney. Tim is an alcoholic with liver failure and desperately needs a liver transplant, but due to his repetitive relapses with alcohol, that's not likely to happen. Tim's out of the hospital now and living with James and his family. We have been in communication. I prayed for him constantly. I pray for his soul. I prayed for God to breathe healing life into every cell in his body, but specifically for him reach into Tim's heart, mind, and soul and speak life and love to him, and for Tim to say "Yes" to Christ. Tim and I agreed even before Tim S. got out, that since he only has, at max, 6 months to live, we would cancel our family vacation plans to a cabin in NC we'd rented, and send Michael back out there to spend time with his father. We booked him a flight for May 16-19, a day after Michael's 26th birthday. I was able to connect some with Mia and Destiny, sending Destiny pictures of her dad and brother that she'd never seen.
So, aside from that, it's pretty much been status quo. Easter is tomorrow and Rachel Jenkins got married today to Josh Schwager...both events have me melancholy. I'm elated for Easter -- the meaning of Easter -- It's my favorite holiday. However, with that, it brings up the memories of Easters when the kids were little. I don't think I have a single picture of the kids at Easter time. The kids loved decorating eggs. Even as an older teen, Amanda still wanted us to dye eggs...how I wish I could go back and say yes instead of thinking it silly. She loved doing Easter egg hunts. I remember countless ones at the trailer. We'd hide easier ones for her or she'd get really frustrated, and harder ones for Michael. We had to make stipulations that Michael, even if he saw an easy one, he couldn't take it for himself or he'd get all of the eggs and Amanda would throw a fit. We'd do hunt after hunt. She just loved them.
Then with Rachel getting married today....she used to babysit Amanda sometimes...kinda cuts to the heart. Another reminder of what I won't get to share with her. I wanted her to find that forever love...sometimes I think she thought we set the bar too high with mine and Tim's marriage. She wanted what we have, but she wanted it without all of the hard work that went into getting there. She wanted an automatic happily ever after...now in Heaven she gets the happily ever after, just not the one I'd hoped she'd find here, too. And so, my eyes are leaking again.
Then, one final thing...I've been having what I'm assuming are GYN issues. It feels like cysts on my ovary, but instead of hurting once a month or every other month, it's been multiple times a month with a dull ache almost daily. I've had a pelvic, a pap, and an ultrasound now. They even insinuated I was making it up (or making more of it than it was) because I'm depressed. The sent in some sort of a shrink to talk to me for like an hour and a half before she said I was fine, doing better than she would have expected, and I've done a lot of processing/grief work already. Well, lo and behold, a few days later the doctor had to call me to tell me that the radiologist saw something on the ultrasound. She said, yes, there were multiple cysts on the right ovary but that there was something near or next to the ovary that had blood flow to it. They want to do a CT scan, but, with the speed with which they move, it won't be until April 16th. I'm praying it's not cancer, but the thought that has continued to float around in my head is, To live is Christ; to die is gain. Not exactly the encouraging thought I wanted, but I agree. If I continue to live, I want it to be to glorify God, but if I don't, then I get to go home to Heaven, Amanda, and my mom....but I don't want to leave Tim and Michael...so...enough of that jazz. I'm trying not to worry about it...I mean, Matthew 6:27 says, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" So, thy will be done, Lord, THY will.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Doing okay
Tim and I have been purposing to spend more time together. There have been some ambush moments here and there from missing Amanda, usually triggered by music. Adele's Set Fire to the Rain came on one day while I was getting ready and it just hit me so hard. I could clearly hear her singing that song and how my heart misses hearing her actually do it from the next room. All of the things I miss and will miss just flood me.
Another time I got ambushed was this song, Jar of Hearts:
Amanda could sing this so, so well, and it's so hauntingly sad, which is, I guess, why it appealed to her and she could sing it so authentically. It just tears me up.
A friend from kindergarten through high school sent me a box full of owl goodies a while back. There were 2 owl journals, an owl necklace, an owl nightgown, a little stuffed owl, an owl scarf, and an owl mirror compact. Such a thoughtful thing to do for someone I was never really really close with and really just acquaintances by high school. Still, you go through life and realize that you have more in common than the superficial crap that we let get in the way as youth.
I haven't had anymore vivid dreams about Amanda, but she is in many dreams, usually as a child of 4-6. Usually it's that someone has taken her, or she's lost and I can't find her and the majority of the dreams, I'm desperately trying to find her. I guess it's still my subconscious and heart trying to accept (or not wanting to) that she's really gone from me here and not coming back. I wake up so sad after those dreams.
The other day Tim and I went to the movies over our Valentine's weekend getaway. We saw some (dumb) movie with Channing Tatum in it and at the end, there was the typical love story element, and the unlikely guy and girl get together. I told Tim I felt like she was sitting next to me watching the movie and I could almost hear her giddy laugh and happy clap as they kissed at the end. She loved romance and was always wanting to find her happily ever after. I told Tim I could hear her say (as she most likely would), "Hell-oooo SEXY!" about Channing Tatum. I miss her sense of humor and silly ways.
I saw yesterday on FB one of the youth from Covenant whom we've known since she was a little girl (and who used to babysit Amanda) got her wedding dress. She and another kid from Covenant youth are getting married soon. I am happy for her. They are both good kids. It is a reminder, however, of all of the things we won't get to experience with Amanda, so while I'm happy, it's bittersweet.
I love you so much, Amanda. Nothing has changed. I can stuff it down easier now while I have to work and do life...that is until an ambush forces me to rip the mask off and be the real grieving mom I am. I recently bought a necklace in memory of her and can't wait to receive it.
I also bought a sign from the Magnolia Market. I saw it on an HGTV show, Fixer Upper, and what it said really spoke to me, especially in light of losing Amanda.
http://shop.magnoliahomes.net/collections/all/products/today-is-a-good-day-sign#
It's going to go over the TV in the living room as a daily reminder to look for and embrace the good that God does give us in each and every day. It was supposed to be delivered Friday, but we weren't at the Wesley, so I'm hoping it will come Monday.
I also recently made an owl wreath in memory of Amanda. I think it turned out well. I saw the idea on Pinterest and finally got the supplies needed at Hobby Lobby and one last roll of owl ribbon at Wal-Mart. It's hanging in the kitchen window and coordinates well with the wall color.
Another time I got ambushed was this song, Jar of Hearts:
A friend from kindergarten through high school sent me a box full of owl goodies a while back. There were 2 owl journals, an owl necklace, an owl nightgown, a little stuffed owl, an owl scarf, and an owl mirror compact. Such a thoughtful thing to do for someone I was never really really close with and really just acquaintances by high school. Still, you go through life and realize that you have more in common than the superficial crap that we let get in the way as youth.
I haven't had anymore vivid dreams about Amanda, but she is in many dreams, usually as a child of 4-6. Usually it's that someone has taken her, or she's lost and I can't find her and the majority of the dreams, I'm desperately trying to find her. I guess it's still my subconscious and heart trying to accept (or not wanting to) that she's really gone from me here and not coming back. I wake up so sad after those dreams.
The other day Tim and I went to the movies over our Valentine's weekend getaway. We saw some (dumb) movie with Channing Tatum in it and at the end, there was the typical love story element, and the unlikely guy and girl get together. I told Tim I felt like she was sitting next to me watching the movie and I could almost hear her giddy laugh and happy clap as they kissed at the end. She loved romance and was always wanting to find her happily ever after. I told Tim I could hear her say (as she most likely would), "Hell-oooo SEXY!" about Channing Tatum. I miss her sense of humor and silly ways.
I saw yesterday on FB one of the youth from Covenant whom we've known since she was a little girl (and who used to babysit Amanda) got her wedding dress. She and another kid from Covenant youth are getting married soon. I am happy for her. They are both good kids. It is a reminder, however, of all of the things we won't get to experience with Amanda, so while I'm happy, it's bittersweet.
I love you so much, Amanda. Nothing has changed. I can stuff it down easier now while I have to work and do life...that is until an ambush forces me to rip the mask off and be the real grieving mom I am. I recently bought a necklace in memory of her and can't wait to receive it.
I also bought a sign from the Magnolia Market. I saw it on an HGTV show, Fixer Upper, and what it said really spoke to me, especially in light of losing Amanda.
http://shop.magnoliahomes.net/collections/all/products/today-is-a-good-day-sign#
It's going to go over the TV in the living room as a daily reminder to look for and embrace the good that God does give us in each and every day. It was supposed to be delivered Friday, but we weren't at the Wesley, so I'm hoping it will come Monday.
I also recently made an owl wreath in memory of Amanda. I think it turned out well. I saw the idea on Pinterest and finally got the supplies needed at Hobby Lobby and one last roll of owl ribbon at Wal-Mart. It's hanging in the kitchen window and coordinates well with the wall color.
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