Who Would You Be?

Wednesday, Sept 26, 2018

Der,

Tomorrow would be your 24th birthday. Five...five birthdays you've missed...that we've missed with you. 24 is how old I was when I had you. Who would you be at 24? Would you have followed your dreams and gone into cosmetology or would you have found a new dream to pursue? Would you be a mother? Would you be sober? Would you have found that special someone hand-picked by God for you if things had been different? Who would you be? Who would I be? Who would we be as a family? Who would be your latest favorite band? What new tattoo would you be wanting or getting? Would you have decided to go to school? Would our home still be filled with the sounds of your singing or would you have moved out and been singing in your own home? Would you be married? Who would you be? I don't recognize me. I feel haunted, lost, timid, anxious. Who would we be? Would we get along as you've grown older? Would you still text me random things and would I still get silly songs stuck in your head? Would you still sleep with Baby Bop or would you have retired her to a shelf or your closet? Would we be close? Would you still hero-worship your brother? Would you still be Daddy's little girl? Would you still laugh easily and big? Who would you be?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, that I don't miss you and love you, that I don't selfishly wish things were different and you were still here, but the LOVING part of me be glad that you are alive in heaven holding the fort down until I get there. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss knowing you were asleep in the next room and miss feeling that false sense of security that I could keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe from bipolar and I couldn't shield you from the realities of this world in which drugs exist and helped steal you away from us. I wish I got a do-over. So many things I would change but I can't. We push on knowing each day is one day closer to being with you again. Happy birthday Sugarbear. You are loved more than you ever could've imagined but now where you are, I hope you know.

I love you always,

Momma